Who Wants to Rule the Alpha Quadrant?
by Jamie August
Summary: The battle for the Alpha Quadrant rages on - in the form of a game show! See our fave Cardassians answer stupid questions! See the Nagus insult the host! Wacky fun all around.


TITLE: Who Wants To Rule The Alpha Quadrant 

AUTHOR: Jamie August 

RATING: PG 

SUMMARY: The third in my DS9/game show trilogy. The best one to date, if I do say so myself. Annoying game show hosts, stupid questions, bickering contestants, gratuitous references to "Dirty Harry", "Lord of the Rings" and "The Princess Bride" (stop right here if you value your sanity), and . . . Reeses-Borg! 

DISCLAIMER: We know this, right? Chant along with me: All hail Paramount the mighty! All hail the actors! No Trek character is mine! Please don't sue, I have no money! All the actors belong to themselves/their spouses/the IRS/whoever's not me. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent game show hosts. 

FEEDBACK/ARCHIVING: augustdragon81@netscape.com You can email me. I don't bite. (Well, there was that one time, but I can't talk about it while it's pending trial.) 

A/N: I like shrubs! ~giggle~ 

Who Wants to Rule the Alpha Quadrant?

{we open in Quark's Bar, where the middle of the floor has been cleared and a couple of chairs have been set up, just like on that old Earth game show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" Also the lights are all blue and purple and pretty, just like on the game show. Spectators fill the upper level of the bar. The lower level is surrounded by prospective contestants, but they are in darkness, so we can't see who they are just yet. Thus far, the contestant's chair is empty. As the lights go up, REESES KILLBEN walks to the middle of the bar and addresses the crowd both in the bar and those standing outside the doors. 

REESES: Hello! Welcome to Who Wants to be a Millionaire! I'm your host, Reeses - {shuts up as a production assistant runs up and whispers something in his ear} Oh, really? Are you sure? {turns back to the audience, wearing a huge fake grin} Excuse me, folks, I mean to say, Welcome to Who Wants to Rule the Alpha Quadrant! I'm your host, Reeses Killben! {loses his grin as he spots some of the scarier-looking aliens in the crowd} And I really don't think I'm being paid enough. {looks off-camera, presumably at a producer} Are you sure Alec Strebek didn't want to do this? No? Well, he always was a snob. {clears his throat and tries to regain his smile} Anyway, welcome to the show! Now - 

{REESES suddenly falls flat on his face as a phaser blast catches him in the back of the head. A medical team quickly drags him off to the infirmary (or, more likely, the morgue) as ODO walks out to the middle of the bar and glares at the audience.} 

ODO: All right, which one of you did that? {nobody admits guilt, but several giggles come from a group of Andorians in the back. ODO sends one last glare around the room.} I'll be keeping an eye on you. In the meantime, we need a new host. 

{MARYDIP VEEROVER bounces up from behind the bar and runs over to the host's chair.} 

MARYDIP: I'm here! Hi, I'm Marydip Veerover, your new host! Welcome to Who Wants to Rule the Alpha Quadrant! Our first contestant - 

{another phaser blast. This time, MARYDIP is vaporized. ODO frowns at the audience as a group of Jem'Hadar begin cheering.} 

ODO: I don't find this amusing. How are we going to resolve this struggle for the Alpha Quadrant if you degenerates keep killing the hosts?! Quark, get up here. You're our new host. 

QUARK: What?! No way! You think I have a death wish? Absolutely not. And that's my final answer. 

ODO: Well, Mr. Killben did mention somebody named Kitty Lee . . . 

{suddenly somebody runs past ODO, jumps into the host's chair, and activates a force-field around the chair. When this person turns to the crowd, we see that it is none other than . . . BONNY OZMONT! The crowd boos and several large, heavy, and potentially deadly objects begin striking the force-field, but BONNY grins through it all.} 

BONNY: {waving to crowd} Hiya! I'll host the show! That would be super-cool! 

ODO: {rolls his eyes} If you insist. 

BONNY: {aims a huge blinding grin at the camera} Well, folks, it seems we've taken so long picking a host that it's time for our first commercial break! But stick around to see who will take control of the whole Alpha Quadrant when we come back! Yeah! It's gonna be great! {winks and gives two thumbs-up signs as the picture fades to black.} 

{when we return from commercial, we see that there are now three contestant chairs instead of just one, and furthermore, DAMAR, DUKAT, and GARAK are sitting in them. BONNY grins his slightly maniacal grin at the camera and ignores the phaser blasts and sharp objects bouncing off his force-field.} 

BONNY: Hey, there! Welcome back! As you all know, this is Who Wants to Rule the Alpha Quadrant! The object of the game is to ultimately decide who will gain control of the quadrant. I get to ask the contestants fifteen questions, starting with the easiest question, which will win you that crappy abandoned space station, Empok Nor, and progressing up to the most difficult question, which earns you the entire Alpha Quadrant! Now, you have to get all the questions right or else you walk away with nothing and end up a POW of the winner! Doesn't that sound like super-duper fun?! 

DUKAT: Can we get on with this? 

BONNY: Sure! I'm as eager as you are to see who will win this battle of wits! Now, you have three life-lines to help you out. First is the 25:75, where we take away one of the wrong answers - 

DAMAR: Wait a minute. I thought it was the 50:50! 

BONNY: Well, it was, but gee, we can't do everything for you people, can we? Anyway, the second life-line is the Phone An Ally, and then there's the Ask An Impartial Observer. And now, playing for the Cardassian Union, we have everyone's favorite Cardassian trio, Damar, Dukat, and Garak! 

DUKAT: {glaring at BONNY} We are not a trio. 

BONNY: {grin falters a bit, but stays in place} Really? Uh, well, I just thought, since there are three of you . . . Um, you are all playing for a liberated and autonomous Cardassia, aren't you? 

GARAK: Technically, I'm still an exile. 

DUKAT: I was the one who signed a contract with the Dominion in the first place. 

DAMAR: Well, I'm a rebel fighting for the freedom of Cardassia, anyway. 

BONNY: {claps his hands} Well, okey-dokey then! I guess you were the only three Cardassians we could find for the show. 

DUKAT: Yes, that would explain why I'm sitting here with two traitors, wouldn't it? 

BONNY: {not grinning so big now} Um, is there gonna be a problem here? {perks up again} C'mon, guys, we're all just one big happy family, right? 

DUKAT: No. 

GARAK: Not really. 

DAMAR: Unh-uh. 

BONNY: {pretends he didn't hear them} Well, all righty then! Let's play Who Wants to Rule the Alpha Quadrant! For the space station Empok Nor, here's your first question: 

In the Federation, who developed the Picard Maneuver? 

A) Captain Kirk B) Captain Picard C) a tribble D) me, Bonny Ozmont! 

DAMAR: {to DUKAT and GARAK} Why are they giving us a Federation question? {to BONNY} Is the entire game rigged like this? 

GARAK: {rolls his eyes} The answer is Picard. 

BONNY: Is that your final answer? 

GARAK: Of course. 

DUKAT: Hold on. Let's not be hasty about this. It could be a Federation trick. 

BONNY: {looking back and forth between them} I need the whole team to agree before I can lock it in as your final answer. 

{the three Cardassians argue amongst themselves for a few minutes before settling back into the chairs. DUKAT and GARAK are glaring at each other, but DAMAR, at least, seems satisfied.} 

DAMAR: Picard is our final answer. 

BONNY: Okay. And . . . You're right, for Empok Nor! Here's your second question. If you get this right, you win an obscure, useless moon in the Vulcan system! 

In the popular Britney Spears song, "Oops I Did It Again" what line of the song immediately follows the title line? 

A) I played with your heart B) I blew up your planet C) I ran over your puppy D) I allowed myself to become possessed by a Pah-wraith 

DAMAR: {confused} What's a Britney Spears? 

GARAK: Believe me, you don't want to know. 

DUKAT: {frowning} Is D supposed to be aimed at me? If so, I must say I'm a bit disappointed in the writers. I expected better insults from them. Anyway, the answer is A. 

DAMAR: {surprised} How do you know? 

DUKAT: I know. 

DAMAR: Yeah, but how? 

DUKAT: {annoyed} Never mind how! Final answer! 

BONNY: That okay with you guys? {looks at DAMAR and GARAK, who shrug and nod} And . . . Congratulations! You got it right! {to DUKAT} Isn't Britney Spears the greatest? {no response but an evil glare} Okay, on to question three, then! This is for the main Vorta cloning facility - 

WEYOUN: {speaking up from the darkened contestant area} Excuse me for interrupting, but why is the cloning facility only the third question? That would lead one to believe that it's not an important addition to anyone's conquest. 

DUKAT: It's not. 

DAMAR: Nobody likes you, Weyoun. 

GARAK: Ah. Finally something we can all agree on. 

BONNY: {waves his arms and points to himself} Excuse me? Hi, hello, host here, remember? Here's your third question. 

How many illegitimate children does Dukat have? 

DUKAT: {exasperated} Oh, I really must protest this question. This is absolutely ridiculous. 

GARAK: Afraid you can't count that high? 

BONNY: {rushing in before DUKAT can respond} A) 0 B) 10 C) 147,000 D) answer hazy, try again later 

GARAK: Well, we all know it's not A. 

{DAMAR and GARAK both look at DUKAT, who sighs and begins counting on his fingers.} 

GARAK: This could take a while. 

DAMAR: {to DUKAT} Do you want to use the Phone an Ally life-line? 

DUKAT: {waves him off} Shh! I'm thinking. {continues counting his fingers at an alarming rate} 

A LONG TIME LATER . . . 

DUKAT: {muttering} . . . and then there was the one on Risa . . . what was her name? . . . two Orion slave girls, but those babies looked nothing like me . . . 

A LONG, LONG TIME LATER . . . 

DUKAT: {still muttering} . . . and that was just in the last ten years . . . let's see, before that there was . . . 

A LONG, LONG, LONG TIME LATER . . . 

DUKAT: {still muttering} . . . and when I was in school . . . she never proved it, though . . . {finally looks up and notices everyone staring at him in astonishment} What? I'm not the only man to ever have had a few indiscretions, you know. 

KIRA: {from somewhere in the audience; incredulously} A few? A few?! You call that a few?! You've been droning on for three hours! 

BONNY: {has lost his manic grin, in fact, he looks a bit stunned and is almost speechless} Wow. You certainly are, um . . . virile . . . aren't you. 

ANONYMOUS WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCE: {stands and holds up a baby} Whatever number you came up with, Dukat, you better add one more to it! 

DUKAT: {squints into the audience} Do I know you? 

DAMAR: {elbows DUKAT} What number did you get? We need to answer the question. 

DUKAT: I think I'm going to have to say D, answer hazy, ask again later. 

GARAK: {disgusted} Does that mean the actual number is more, or less, than 147,000? 

BONNY: {recovering his grin} Whatever else it means, you are now the proud owners of the Vorta cloning facility! D was the right answer! Good for you! Now, your fourth question will get you some worthless planet I can't pronounce. Here we go! 

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, did it make a sound? 

A) Yes B) No C) The sound of one hand clapping D) Only if it fell on Weyoun 

DAMAR: I hate philosophy. 

GARAK: {annoyed} It's a badly phrased question. If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? Are we referring to the tree or the woods? What is 'it'? It's an unclear question. 

DUKAT: I'd say D, only if it fell on Weyoun. 

DAMAR: Me too. 

BONNY: Is that your final - 

GARAK: No! If it fell on Weyoun, then there was somebody there to hear it. 

DAMAR: {snickering} I bet Weyoun would make a sound if a tree fell on him. 

DUKAT: Fine, that eliminates D. That leaves A. Yes, the tree made a sound. 

GARAK: How do you know? You didn't hear it. 

DAMAR: Okay, then, B. No, it didn't make a sound. 

GARAK: How do you know? You didn't not hear it. 

DUKAT: {irritated} Well either it did or it didn't. Make up your mind. 

GARAK: Nobody can say with any certainty. It must be C. 

DAMAR: {confused} The sound of one hand clapping? What's that got to do with anything? 

GARAK: Philosophy. 

DAMAR: I hate philosophy. 

DUKAT: {dryly} You mentioned that. 

DAMAR: {shrugs} Okay. Let's go with C. I don't get it, but I guess it's our final answer. 

BONNY: . . . . Yes! You got it! And I always thought this was the sound of one hand clapping. {holds one hand out and opens and closes it really fast, producing a clapping sound. Everyone stares at him like he's an idiot.} Hey, wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? 

DUKAT: Not particularly. 

BONNY: Party-pooper. Fine then, here's your fifth question. This is a big one. If you get this right, you win this station, Deep Space 9! 

DUKAT: You mean Terok Nor. 

BONNY: {looks like he's about to cry} I don't know, okay? I'm just reading what's coming up on my screen! {sniffles} Anyway, here's the stupid question. {suddenly turns and yells at the audience} Would you people please stop shooting at me! You're really hurting my feelings! Hey! What was that? Did someone just throw a beer at me? 

QUARK: {to audience member who threw the beer} I hope you know I'm still charging you for that, buddy! 

BONNY: {sniffles again} Okay. Here it is. 

What material is made by worms? 

A) Leather B) Burlap C) Silk D) Spandex 

{DAMAR and DUKAT both look at GARAK.} 

DUKAT: Well, tailor? 

GARAK: {sighs} Does that mean you don't know the answer? {before DUKAT can answer} C. That's our final answer. 

BONNY: {pouting} Well, duh. I'm gonna warn you, even though you don't deserve the warning, the questions will start getting harder now. If you get this one right, you win the wormhole. 

In the 1971 movie, "Dirty Harry", what astrological sign was the killer known by? 

A) The Virgo Killer B) The Cancer Killer C) The Scorpio Killer D) Hellraiser 

{this time, everyone in the bar looks at GARAK} 

GARAK: {exasperated} Why do you automatically assume I know? 

DAMAR: I got the feeling this is one you would know. 

DUKAT: Are you saying you don't? 

GARAK: I never said that. I simply meant it's time for the two of you to start pulling your own weight, as it were. 

BONNY: {apparently over his temper-tantrum} You can still use a life-line. You have all three left! 

GARAK: That won't be necessary. I didn't say I don't know it. 

DUKAT: Then answer the question. 

DAMAR: Hey, wait a minute. Hellraiser isn't an astrological sign! 

DUKAT: {dryly} Very astute, Damar. 

GARAK: {to himself} This seems familiar somehow . . . 

BONNY: Well, if you don't want to use a life-line, you could always take a guess. {in a fairly decent Dirty Harry imitation} I guess what you gotta ask yourself is, Do I feel lucky. Well, do ya . . . punk? 

GARAK: {jumps} What?! Scorpio! It's Scorpio! 

DUKAT: How do you know? 

GARAK: {shakes his head} I'm . . . I'm not sure . . . 

BONNY: Final answer? {GARAK nods} Yup, you're right! Isn't "Dirty Harry" just the coolest movie ever? 

GARAK: I . . . wouldn't know . . . 

DAMAR: What's wrong with you? 

BONNY: {still gushing over the movie} I mean, who could forget the Scorpio killer? He was definitely memorable! 

GARAK: {smiles} I'm glad you think so. 

DUKAT: {annoyed} Did we miss something? 

BONNY: Okay! This next question will win you the entire Bajoran system! Wow, a whole system! Goody-goody gumdrops! 

DAMAR: {in disbelief} Did he really just say goody-goody gum - 

DUKAT: {slaps a hand over DAMAR's mouth} Please, I don't need to hear it again. 

BONNY: If train A leaves New York traveling 60 miles per hour, and the skies are partly cloudy with a chance of rain in Texas on Friday, with a variable of pi, what is the meaning of life? 

A) Spoons B) Tribbles C) Three D) Where's Waldo? 

{DAMAR, DUKAT, and GARAK stare at the question, then at each other, then at BONNY, then at each other again. Finally GARAK manages to speak.} 

GARAK: {cautiously} It seems you may have a computer virus. Might I suggest a level five diagnostic? 

BONNY: Nope, that's the real question! You still have all your life-lines if you need some help! 

DUKAT: No, I'm sure we can figure this out on our own. 

DAMAR: I'm not. 

GARAK: The meaning of life is certainly not spoons. 

DAMAR: I don't know. Spoons are pretty important. 

DUKAT: It can't possibly be tribbles. 

DAMAR: I don't know. Tribbles are kind of cute. 

DUKAT: I hate tribbles. 

GARAK: That leaves three and Where's Waldo. 

DUKAT: Three seems the least stupid answer. 

DAMAR: {confidently} Three. Final answer. 

DUKAT: Now, just a minute - 

BONNY: That's right! 

DUKAT: {claps DAMAR on the back} Good work, Damar! 

BONNY: Okey-dokey! Next question! If you get this one right, you win back Cardassia from the Dominion! Here we go! 

Why did the chicken cross the road? 

A) Because it was stapled to Weyoun B) To get to the other side C) Jellybeans D) I like shrubs! 

DAMAR: Are they serious? Do they think we're idiots? To get to the other side, of course. 

DUKAT: Agreed. 

GARAK: Wait. That's too easy. It's just what they want us to think. 

DAMAR: Maybe we should use a life-line. 

DUKAT: {attempting to be patient} Damar, it's a ridiculously easy question. I am not going to waste our life-lines on "Why did the chicken cross the road"! 

GARAK: The chicken didn't cross the road arbitrarily. I'm sure the chicken had an ulterior motive. "To get to the other side" seems a bit suspicious to me. 

DUKAT: {rapidly losing patience} While I'm sure you're well familiar with the logic of poultry, Garak, I'm still not wasting a life-line on such a stupid question! 

DAMAR: Bonny, let's go ahead and use the 25:75. 

DUKAT: No! 

BONNY: Oooh, too late. The computer has just taken away one of the wrong answers. Whatta ya think now? 

{the Cardassians look at the screen in front of them. The computer has taken away B) To get to the other side.} 

DUKAT: I don't believe it. 

GARAK: {smug} I told you it was too easy. 

DAMAR: What now? All that's left are stupid answers. 

DUKAT: We've made it this far with stupid answers. 

GARAK: It's not A. 

DAMAR: Why not? 

GARAK: Because it was stapled to Weyoun? So what? There's no allusion to Weyoun crossing the road. 

DUKAT: But that only leaves "Jellybeans" and "I like shrubs". What kind of moronic game is this? 

DAMAR: Maybe it's "Jellybeans". Do chickens like jellybeans? 

DUKAT: {muttering} I'm surrounded by idiots. 

DAMAR: Should we use another life-line? 

GARAK: {dryly} Of course. Perhaps there's a chicken in the audience who would know the answer. 

{at that moment, a chicken jumps onto a barstool and begins pecking at QUARK} 

GARAK: What a fortuitous arrival. 

DAMAR: {stares at GARAK, then at the chicken, then back at GARAK} Wow. 

DUKAT: This is ridiculous. {sighs} All right, let's use the Ask An Impartial Observer and see what the chicken has to say for itself. 

BONNY: Okay! {turns to the chicken} Well, you heard the question. Why did the chicken cross the road? What do you say? 

CHICKEN: Buck-buck! Buck-buck! 

DUKAT: Infernal chicken! That's not an answer! 

CHICKEN: Buck-buck! Buck- 

{suddenly a bat'leth flies through the air, chopping the chicken's head off. The chicken continues to hop around for a minute before it realizes it's dead and falls over. A group of Klingons cheer and toast each other loudly.} 

GARAK: {frowns at the dead chicken} Pity. If I'd had five minutes alone with the chicken, I'm sure I could have extracted the information we needed. 

DAMAR: We could still Phone an Ally. 

DUKAT: But who? Do you know anyone who is familiar with chickens? 

DAMAR: No. Do you? 

DUKAT: No. 

GARAK: I might know someone. 

DUKAT: Who? 

GARAK: I'm afraid I can't divulge that information. {reaches for the nearest comm panel} May I? 

BONNY: Sure! 

GARAK: Thank you. 

MYSTERY VOICE FROM THE COMM PANEL: Hello? 

BONNY: Hiya! This is Bonny Ozmont from Who Wants To Rule The Alpha Quadrant! I've got Garak here, and he's stuck on a question! The next sound you hear is gonna be his voice, okay? 

GARAK: Why did the chicken cross the road? 

MYSTERY VOICE: Is this a joke? 

GARAK: Sadly, no. We've got it narrowed down to either "jellybeans" or "I like shrubs". 

MYSTERY VOICE: Oh! Well, in that case, the answer is - 

{another bat'leth flies through the air, smashing the comm panel before the mystery voice can reveal the correct answer.} 

DUKAT: How are we supposed to play the game when the Klingons are bent on sabotage?! 

DAMAR: {staring at the answers left on the screen} I think "jellybeans" makes more sense than "I like shrubs". 

BONNY: You wanna make that your final answer? 

DUKAT: We might as well. 

GARAK: None of these answers have made any sense. Why should this one? 

DAMAR: You think it's "I like shrubs"? 

GARAK: I don't particularly care. I'm going back to my shop. I've got some sewing to finish. {gets up to leave and is stopped by a group of producers wielding a variety of very mean-looking weapons} On second thought, perhaps I will stay. 

BONNY: I'm gonna need an answer, guys. 

DUKAT: Fine. We'll take "Jellybeans". 

BONNY: {after a long pause} No! I'm sorry. {not sounding particularly sorry} The answer we were looking for was "I like shrubs!" 

GARAK: I knew it. 

DUKAT: What? That doesn't make any sense! Why did the chicken cross the road? I like shrubs! What does one have to do with the other? I demand a full investigation into this! 

DAMAR: {giggles} I like shrubs! That's funny! 

DUKAT: {gritting his teeth} Shut up, Damar. 

{the Cardassians are led out of the bar by the heavily-armed producers, DUKAT protesting loudly, DAMAR still giggling over the shrubs, and GARAK shaking his head and telling the others that he told them so.} 

BONNY: {to the camera} Well, that's too bad, isn't it? We're going to take a short commercial break, and when we come back, we'll have a group playing on behalf of the Ferengi Alliance! Don't go away! 

{segue into a looooooooong commercial break. When the show finally does come back, the three contestant chairs are filled by ROM, BRUNT, and GRAND NAGUS ZEK. The floor around BONNY's chair is a mess of weapons, thrown food and drinks, and it also appears as if someone has lobbed a few tomatoes in his direction, too.} 

BONNY: Hiya! Welcome back! We're here now with - 

DRUNK KLINGON IN THE AUDIENCE: We don't care who they are! Get on with it, P'tak! 

BONNY: Okay, I don't know what that word means, but it didn't sound very nice! Shame on you! If you want me to speed things along, all you have to do is ask nicely! 

{in response, the DRUNK KLINGON hurls a bat'leth at him.} 

ROM: Uh, for a Klingon, that was asking nicely. 

BONNY: Yikes. I can't wait til it's time for the Klingons to play. {sticks his tongue out at the DRUNK KLINGON} I'm behind this force-field and you can't get me! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! {turns back to the Ferengi contestants} Okay, let's play! 

{suddenly, somebody walks through the crowd and right through the force-field. As this person grabs BONNY by the throat and tosses him across the bar, we see that the new arrival is actually REESES KILLBEN, but with Borg implants! He takes his seat in the host's chair and turns to the three Ferengi, who all look a bit stunned.} 

REESES-BORG: Bonny Ozmont is irrelevant. I am your host. Now let's play. The life-lines are irrelevant. If you do not answer right away, you will be assimilated. 

ZEK: Inconceivable! 

REESES-BORG: Conception is irrelevant. 

BRUNT: What do we get if we do answer right away? 

REESES-BORG: You get to live. 

BRUNT: What a rip-off. 

REESES-BORG: Your first fourteen questions are irrelevant. You will only get one chance to answer the last question. 

ROM: {uncertainly} Uh, can you do that? {to the producers} Can he do that? 

REESES-BORG: Your questions are irrelevant. Only Reeses-Borg's wishes are relevant. 

ZEK: Wait a minute! I was told there would be the opportunity for profit! Where's the profit? I don't see any latinum, or - 

REESES-BORG: Profit is irrelevant. 

ZEK: {stares at him like he's insane} What? Stupid host! Profit is never irrelevant! 

ROM: Uh, Nagus . . . 

REESES-BORG: You are irrelevant. You will answer this question or be assimilated. 

What do I have in my pocket? 

{silence} 

ROM: {hesitantly} Um, isn't this supposed to be multiple-choice? 

REESES-BORG: Choice is - 

BRUNT: Let me guess - irrelevant? 

REESES-BORG: What do I have in my pocket? 

BRUNT: Preciousssssssss, what does it have in its pocketsessssssss? 

ROM: {concerned} Uh, are you all right? 

BRUNT: {clears his throat} Yeah. Fine. Why do you ask? 

ROM: No reason. 

REESES-BORG: You will be assimilated. 

BRUNT: Hey, you have to give us a chance to answer the question! 

ROM: Uh, maybe we should use a life-line? 

ZEK: What good would that do? 

ROM: Well . . . {pulls ZEK and BRUNT in close and begins whispering.} 

ZEK: Perfect! {turns to REESES-BORG} Hey, you! We'll take the Ask An Impartial Observer life-line. 

REESES-BORG: The impartial observer is irrelevant. 

ZEK: You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means. {gloating} Hah! Do you know how long I've wanted to say that? 

REESES-BORG: Irrelevance is irrelevant. Choose your observer. 

ROM: Okay, then, uh . . . we choose you. 

REESES-BORG: {looks at the producers} But . . . Reeses-Borg is host. Reeses-Borg cannot be an impartial observer if Reeses-Borg is host. Inconceivable. 

ZEK: Irrelevant! 

PRODUCER #1: Technically, Reeses-Borg isn't under contract. His hosting is unofficial, so he can, in fact, act as an impartial observer if need be. 

REESES-BORG: But . . . Reeses-Borg is host! 

ZEK: Answer the question! What does Reesesssssss-Borg have in its pocketsessssssss? 

ROM: Oh, no, not you, too! 

REESES-BORG: I . . . I . . . {hangs his head} Reeses-Borg has a bagel in his pocket. 

ZEK: Hah! A bagel! Final answer! 

REESES-BORG: The Alpha Quadrant is irrelevant. It is yours, but it is irrelevant. Reeses-Borg must go back to Earth. Smelly Ripa will be assimilated. {wanders out of the bar, muttering in very un-Borg-like fashion about all the people who need to be assimilated.} 

ROM: {disbelievingly} We won? 

BRUNT: {stunned} That's it? 

ZEK: I'm the ruler of the Alpha Quadrant! Hah! Fools! 

PRODUCER #1: Uh, actually, you're not. 

ZEK: What do you mean? Of course I am! I won! 

PRODUCER #1: Uh, no, not really. See, since Reeses-Borg wasn't the official host, he has no authority to ask the questions or give away any prizes. Sorry, but the game is going to have to continue until we find a legitimate winner. I'm afraid you need to clear the stage now. 

ROM, BRUNT, & ZEK: Inconceivable! 

~The end . . . or is it?~ 

(if y'all bug me enough, there *could* be a continuance in the works . . .) 

A/N pt.2: Yes, I know I made Damar into a blithering idiot - again. I never *mean* to; it just sort of happens that way. I always have to have a fool. When I write Next Generation, the idiot is always Riker; when I do DS9, it's always Damar. My apologies. Please don't lynch. No, no, put down the torches and pitchforks! There, there, that's a good boy. 

A/N pt. 3: I posted this story before, but it disappeared shortly thereafter, I think because I used the game show hosts' real names, and apparently FFN doesn't allow that anymore. So I changed them to parody names, and hopefully that solves the problem! Eep. Grr.   
  



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